Ugh, oh my god, I feel like death. My mouth tastes like Miyagi’s b-hole and I’m covered in miso soup, and let me tell ya, mi-no likey dat. Last night was krazy with a capital hieroglyph, last thing I remember was trying to deep sea fish in the middle of a kabuki theater.
I found this wild pic on my smartass phone.
Damn, I gotta see what Pierre has to say about this. Let me just turn over as I’m sure he’s sleeping next to me like we always do. All right, I’ll just turn over and…
WHAT. THE. FUDGE… Where am I? What is going on? Where is Pierre? My best Asian businessmen friends? WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?!?!
All right, get it together Hooshmaster, you’re in trouble but you’re not dead, which I am absolutely positive all of my Asian businessmen friends are. While I try to live by the rule that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, my cup better start runneth-ing over with problem-solving or I’m not gonna make it. I guess I should be happy that I didn’t wake up with a baby like in that movie The Hangover, man that movie was hilarious. Ha-ha, remember when Ed Helms lost a tooth? That was SO funny. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Focus Kushnir! Dammit! You’re up Poop River and there are rapids ahead. Okay, so what do we know?
1. You had so much fun last night.
2. You are attracted to Asian women.
3. YOU ARE IN NORTH KOREA, BEHIND ENEMY LINES, UNBEKNOWNST TO ANYONE.
Cool, sick recap bro. My head is pounding though and I can’t even think, so before I get to planning my escape, Imma need to do brunch. Gimme gimme them Eggs Benny y’all.
Man, I know the DPRK is a communist state, but everybody loves mimosas (hold the OJ)! So it’s off to get my beak wet before I prison break this piece.
W-w-w-w… wait. What is that? It can’t be, oh lord no. Is this some kind of joke? Some kind of a sick joke?! What is he doing on that propaganda poster?
Pierre?! Oh god, I think I’m gonna pre-brunch puke. That double crossing rat bastard! How could he do this to me?! How could he be the communist dictator of a country and not tell me?!
It was all a ruse, a long con: gaining my friendship, sharing a love for travel, dating my mom. He did it all so he could get me back to his homeland and enslave me. I mean I think of all the great times we had together and it pains me to think he was doing this the whole time.
Who the heck are these guys he’s with? And why are they so chummy? And why wasn’t I invited? Man, sometimes you really think you know a guy that you meet on the streets of Paris, and then he just completely blindsides you by being an oppressive ruler of an archaic nation.
Even though I could totally escape, I knew I had to face this creep. So I rolled over to Kim Il Sung Stadium for a showdown.
Quick Thing: This is a travel blog, so just to make sure we don’t lose the essence of it, I will say this: downtown Pyongyang has a very exciting nightlife, the Tower of Juche Idea is beautiful at dusk, and there’s a great place for scones on the corner of Nuclear and Inferiority Complex.
Cool, now back to the major at hand.
Never have I rapped on a door so loudly or fervently than when I approached the gates of his palace. As far as palaces go, I’d say it was a solid C-, like that of an archduke of Austria, if that gives you some context.
This faux King of Siam opened the door wielding his power as if he were a mascot at a sports event, thinking that his title and costume gave him total carte blanche to act like a jackass. I DON’T WANT TO BE SILLY STRINGED, BENNY THE BULL. SO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.
Ahhh, my old friend and newfound nemesis, today would be his last today. I had come to take him down for making a fool of me, for tricking me into believing he was my friend, and for making me drink so much that I blacked out and ended up in North Korea.
But before I could get a word out he offered me a pair of Nike’s and challenged me to a game of hoops. Win and I get my freedom. Lose and I would be enslaved forever. Man oh man, in that moment I have never felt more pressure, finally being able to empathize with Aaron Carter and what he must have been feeling in his historic clash with Shaq.
“First to score wins” he said as he checked me the ball with a little extra oompf on it. He was so cocky that he let me have the ball first. Unfortunately for him, he forgot he was a terrible athlete. So I think we all know what happened next.
Call Dick Butkus, cuz it’s Hangtime! I blew by him so fast I’m almost positive he shit his pants.
After I got done makin’ the rim my bitch, he apologized for duping me and was sorry he had taken it so far. We agreed to stay in touch and he agreed not to bomb the U.S.
So… you’re welcome America!
AND THAT’S HOW I BEAT SHAQ.