If you are reading this now, then you are one of the survivors.
Surely since my last post you have realized that the world went dark, as that is the only explanation for my enduring absence. I apologize to my avid and desperate 15 followers for the insufferable dearth and the infinite void I have left your insatiable literary palates with, I feel your pain.
You see, since my battle of physical prowess on the basketball court with my best friend Pierre who turned out to be Kim Jong Un, I have been banished to the hinderlands. As such I have been away from society, on my own, a roughneck, a modern day Harriet Tubman with a juicy ass and a spotty wifi connection.
But like the broom that sweeps up the ashes the untidy phoenix leaves behind, I too have swept my issues under the rug; assured by my child psychologist that they will never come back to haunt me.
Dat’s right lil babes, I’m back and stronger then ever! I cannot be stopped! I have been betrayed but come out stronger on the other side! I am feeling good about myself! I feel powerful! I will no longer scream cry in the dark alone!
FOR I AM IN THE OUTBAAAAACCCKKKKK!!!!!!
That’s right y’allll, I’m all up in Australia havin’ the time o’ my life. So crank up da Vegamite to 11 and spread on the Men At Work thick on your dingo. Cuz I’m str8 Koalafornia dreaaammiiinnnnnn!
They got everything down here, Davey Crockett, shrimps, barbies, they even got toilets that flush the wrong way!
I’ve just been hobnobbin’ it up in the outback, livin’ off the fatta the land. Might as well call me Lenny cuz I been squeezin’ rabbits for dinner like e’ry night.
But it can get lonely out here for a bushman, luckily the local Aboriginal tribe, the Alawa, have accepted me into the fold and I have become one of them.
I know you miss deeez photo shoots y’allllllll.
Of course the initial introduction was quite rocky, as they likened my mannerisms to that of a common pheasant. But luckily I was able to prove myself resourceful when I took down that wild pig who had been terrorizing the village and making everyone feel over-protective.
Once I had gained their respect, there was of course the extensive initiation ceremony. It was grueling, a battle of wits, taxing on every level. Lord knows how I ever survived.
My newly adopted culture was strange, yet freeing. I suddenly had no use for material items, things that I cared about before seemed to go unclaimed like a fart on a blind date. I was truly becoming a person of Earth.
It felt good to be a self-sufficient man, for the first time since I emancipated myself from my parents at the age of 19, I felt like I had accomplished something. As such, I decided it would be most apropos, now more than ever before, to take a bride.
The matchmaking process was quite simple (you just gotta bring dat ass) and required very little set-up. I offered my dowry to her father and that sick ass was even easier to dupe than I imagined.
We were to be wed on the highest point of Ares Rock, what the locals call “thee tippy-top.” And as my beautiful bride-to-be gallivanted down the aisle to a cacophony of didgeridoos that sounded like a hundred birds shitting themselves at once, the question that has plagued man for centuries dawned on me,
“Yo, but how’m I gon watch TV doe?”
I had no choice, I in fact was not as far removed from my materialistic self as I had hoped to be and couldn’t lie to myself any longer. I explained to my fiancée, whose name eludes me now, that it wasn’t fair to her. That if I stayed, I would always resent her for making me miss reruns of Friends and if she truly loved me she would want me to go.
She explained to me something about how she was 15 and that if I didn’t stay they would murder her for being too old and unwed. Not real positive since I couldn’t hear her over the blood-curdling screams from her father.
Gotta say, feels good to be back and seeing the world again. Not sure where I’m headin’ yet or even how big this country is, but Lord knows I’mma have a helluva time doin’ it.